A chaotic post from my chaotic mind

It is ridiculously hard to write a blogpost when you are calm.
(and also I’m pretty addicted to David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas right now; it’s such an easy book to get lost in, I love it)

I’m not that accustomed to feeling calm, because I’m ridiculously chaotic. My psychiatrist pretty much doesn’t let an appointment go by without mentioning (+ sighing about) how chaotic I am, and I’m just sitting there in the middle of it, like, What? I understand myself perfectly. (maybe I don’t) So I’m not usually calm. But I started antidepressants last week (sertraline), which made me pretty sick because of this joyous thing called ‘side effects’, but they seem to be subsiding now, leaving me really quite…..calm. My mind is still quite sluggish and it feels pretty “muddy” to think, but it’s also quite nice. I nearly always hear this buzz in my mind because my thoughts are spinning so fast, but I don’t hear that now. I’m just sitting around sometimes waiting for a thought to finish, because thinking seems to be going slower than actually talking, which is really weird. But I do love this quietude. I’m no longer constantly trashing pretty much everything I do by throwing a whirlwind of twat-mental negativity on everything I do, which is a really nice breather. Plus, a big plus, it enables me to be more aware of what I’m thinking about and observe my thought-processes in general, because now I can actually follow what the hell is going on up there in the bonkers room. This is jolly, because as it turns out, my way of thinking and problem “solving” is really quite weird (surprise).

For example, like I said, I’m not sure what ‘calm’ feels like. And I wanted to be sure, so this morning I looked up the definition of ‘calm’ to see if I am indeed calm, and if so, how calm I am. Because, you know, how else can one find out if one is calm? Results: I learned two things, the first being that the etymology of the word ‘calm’ seems pretty strange to me. Quoting Merriam-Webster: “Middle English calme, probably ultimately from Old Spanish calma, from Late Latin cauma heat, from Greek kauma, from kaiein to burn”. From ‘heat’ and ‘to burn’? That seems like the opposite of ‘calm’… Returning to that later: secondly, quoting Google, ‘calm’ means

“not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other strong emotions”, which is not right because I do feel nervousness and other mildly strong emotions, but

“the absence of violent activity in a place” is correct because there is no “violent activity” in my mind right now.

So… 50%-ish calm it is. Yeah, alright. I can add one or two things to the rubbish-pile of ‘random facts’ in my brain to blurt out when entrapped in an awkward silence at the pub. That’s nice. But I’m not sure if googling the definition(s) of a word is the most constructive way to find out how you are feeling, you know. You could also, hm, feel for a bit. This is such a chaotic way to try and answer the question of how I am feeling. I mean, I start out wondering whether or not I am calm, and end up 1) wondering why ‘calm’ stems from ‘heat’ and ‘to burn’, 2) realizing that I link ‘calm’ to ‘cold’, not ‘warm’, and start wondering why I do so, 3) wondering why the Google definition of ‘calm’ is way more extensive than the Merriam-Webster definition one, whereas I thought Merriam-Webster was the “best” dictionary, 4) trying to find out what dictionary it is that Google uses because it doesn’t say, 5) looking up whether the Dutch word for ‘calm’ also stems from ‘heat’ and ‘to burn’ because I still don’t understand the link there (it does, and also they say that the word originates from Greek kaũma ‘(sunny)heat, the resting of the elements during hot weather’, so 1) is solved, now), 6) realizing that if I am 0% emotionally calm, and end up saying that I am 50% calm, that would mean I am 100% rationally calm, which seems rather excessive, so maybe I’m, like, 35% instead of 50% calm, then, 7) but do I say I am 0% emotionally calm though? Maybe I’m 50% emotionally calm so that would get my total level of ‘calm’ at ……… ???????????????

(to be perfectly honest, the further I get with this post, the more I’m questioning this whole me-being-calm thing; this is actually the second time I’m writing this because the first time didn’t make shit sense to me when I read it back. Chaotically calm, compared-to-normally-calm, something around there)

Soooo the moral of the story is ….. I have no idea. A nice little chaos-simulator, I guess? These pills are making me even more random than I already was, this is great. But apart from the chaos-simulator: there’s nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps you (though some people may tell you otherwise); side effects are shit; chaos is hard to deal with; you can’t just stop thinking. But you can stop whirling around trying to put a percentage on what you are feeling (or whatever it is that you are obsessing about). It might be useful for me to spend a little less time rationalizing about my emotions and a little more time actually feeling them. Somehow, if I manage to rationally understand what I feel, that justifies the feeling and makes me feel a little more in control. But I don’t know. That 1) – 7) thing I had going just now doesn’t quite seem to enhance my level of being-in-control. So, less thinking and more feeling. Seems like a swell idea to me.

I have done my duty of analyzing my mind so back to Cloud Atlas it is, bye!


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